“Plants and animals don’t fight the winter; they don’t pretend it’s not happening and attempt to carry on living the same lives that they lived in the summer. They prepare. They adapt. They perform extraordinary acts of metamorphosis to get them through. Winter is a time of withdrawing from the world, maximizing scant resources, carrying out acts of brutal efficiency and vanishing from sight; but that’s where the transformation occurs. Winter is not the death of the life cycle, but its crucible.”
– Katherine May
I only tend to journal, when life is cluttered with challenges. It is an outlet when I feel emotionally swamped, and something I haven’t done much of in recent months, so as I paged through my journal to my many entries of January 2021 out of curiosity, I cringed, as the memories of feeling cold, frustrated, and alone came rushing back. Not only did I feel overwhelmed, but also insecure. What a difference a year can make in a life. Not only is the weather this winter much milder than my first one in Portugal, but emotionally I feel so completely different. I have regained a sense of confidence – in myself, and life in general.
Gone is the feeling of being banished and abandoned. Instead, I feel like I am where I should be. The arguments between Michael and myself, as we grappled with adjusting to this new phase in our lives, have mellowed into a vague memory. We have settled into living apart in a way that has strengthened our love and relationship. Technology is allowing us to talk every day for as long as we wish. It also forces us to focus and pay attention in a way we may not have if we lived in the same house.
Life is precious and fleeting, after all, and it is best to learn how to be kind to one another, instead of mindlessly reacting, driven by our many fears. We know what it feels like to be thrown off-balance, when Death brushes past us, heading somewhere else, but reminding us that someday it will be our turn.
It was Michael’s sea rescue during the Cape2Rio Race in 2017 that was perhaps the impetus, which finally convinced us to buy land in Portugal. Before that the dream involved sailing around the world, but this, together with my stepdaughter’s mother passing away a mere two months after Michael’s ordeal, forcing us to live apart for nine months to ensure that she had a home and support to finish her last year of schooling, compelled us to re-evaluate our future.
We embarked on a journey of redreaming. One which has brought us to this point in our lives and of which this blog serves as the keeper of memories. It is a dream that has permeated our existence since we first set eyes on the slightly out of focus photographs of the land on the Internet, and which is still in the process of unfurling itself into existence. For me, living on the land, is the part of the dream that fulfils me and brings me the most joy. For Michael it is the process of dreaming and building the dream. The destination versus the journey. Our life is the result of turning these differences into strengths by acknowledging and accepting them, instead of fighting battles over them.
It is Michael’s job in the UAE that has made it possible for us to reimagine and reshape our life. More than a decade ago in South Africa we could just make ends meet. There was hardly any extra money for hobbies or travel or dreaming of buying land in Europe. We couldn’t even afford to buy our own house on our combined salaries.
We did not engage in the “live-it-up” lifestyle that permeates expat life in the UAE, but lived far below our means. We saved, we invested, we planned for retirement. Living a good life which included travel, but not one of excess. We gained a lot, but we also lost a lot in the process. Gain and loss, like life and death cannot exist without one another.
Although for many it is strange that we live apart, we are living fulfilling lives, even though we do sometimes miss the physical presence of one another. For Michael his job is an integral part of his identity. An insight that is essential for his emotional well-being. His grandfather retired at 50, and by 56 was dead. ‘He gave up’, according to his dad, who himself only retired when he was 72. Recognising himself in his grandfather and father, his choices are permeated with thought processes that baffle others, but make complete sense to us.
All through January, as I busied myself with pruning jobs and removing shrivelled strings of long dead brambles decorating trees like forgotten Christmas decorations, I allowed my thoughts to revisit the past, before settling back into the present moment with a sense of gratitude. Spending time outside surrounded by birdsong and fresh air, engaging in work that makes me feel useful, is what currently soothes my soul.
I’ve also huddled inside on cold, windy days hibernating, reflecting, breathing. We shouldn’t always fill every waking hour with being productive. Sometimes we should also just be – in the moment, in our own skin, in the presence of a good book.
I curled in on myself, shutting out the wider world. Only twice did I get into my car and leave the quinta. Once to do a big grocery shopping, and the other to pick up a parcel from the post office and deal with a small mountain of recycling. My interactions with others were mostly fleeting: two hunters and their dogs walking by; a neighbour and her son pausing for a chat while out on a walk; the local shepherd stopping by to check if I was okay; another shepherd and his friend moving his flock from one pasture to the next; my Portuguese neighbour when Midnight got locked in his barn for a day.
I liked the brevity of these interactions, and the slower pace of my days in January.
* * * * *
ON MY PLATE AND IN THE GARDEN
One of the reasons I am busy pruning the many hawthorn trees we have growing on the land is that I can get to the ripe berries more easily in autumn. I tried out a recipe for hawthorn ketchup last autumn and love it, so would like to make a lot more this year. It is a labour of love though, as hawthorns are covered in thorns and picking the tiny red berries take time and concentration.
Camomile flowers are starting to dot the landscape, and although I haven’t done so yet, I keep thinking I must pick a handful for a night-time tea. There is chickweed growing in clumps next to the greenhouse, which I pick to add to salads or pile on top of vegetarian burgers, but as my knowledge of food to forage is still very limited, I stick with those I know. When the parasol mushrooms grew well, I dried two big ones, crushed them into a fine powder, and now add it to soups and stews for an extra layer of flavour.
During my shopping excursion I stopped at a market and bought some carrot and spring onion seedlings, which together with beetroot and spinach are just waiting for a bit of warmth to grow big and juicy. I regularly eat lettuce from the garden and the kale is still doing well too. There are a couple of bright orange calendula flowers lingering since summer, scoffing at the fifteen frosty mornings we’ve had this month, and bringing a bit of sunshine to my plate. The pineapple sage and one of the mango trees in the greenhouse have been hit hard by the frost, otherwise everything else is doing fine, including the strawberries and oregano. The voles had a feast by decimating my four parsley plants, and although I don’t have a very productive winter garden, as I didn’t plan for one, it is a joy to see at least some life.
The tomatoes I had bottled and put in the freezer in summer have been turned into delicious soups and stews, and I suspect they may well see me through until the next harvest.
WEATHERING THE WEATHER
January has been a dry month, and newspaper reports talk about various areas in Portugal in some sort of drought condition. In the week before Christmas, we had 100 mm of rain, and our sharka is filled to the brim. The little seasonal stream still has some water trickling gently down the incline in a soft murmur, but the green is busy bleaching out the grass.
There has been an unusual move for this time of the year to put a fire ban in place, which is usually reserved for the crackling dry summer months. This means that the piles of cuttings piling up now will have to wait until the next round of rain. Before the fire ban, the day after full moon, I managed to burn the previous cuttings. I like to do small amounts at a time, to make it more manageable. This time I didn’t make any biochar, but built a fire with big logs at the end of the burn to sit next to. First watching the sunset, and then the moon slowly rising, washing out the shadows of the night as it glided higher and higher in the sky. Listening to the hooting of owls, and watching the mesmerising dance of flames helped to mellow the bite of cold night air tunnelling into my bones. It is not something I’ve done before, as it tends to induce loneliness, but on this particular night it infused me with a deep sense of peace.
OFFICIALDOM
My government sponsored Portuguese lessons will start this coming Wednesday evening, which means that for the next six months I will, on a Monday and Wednesday, join an online class for three hours at a time. That, in combination with my other forays into language learning will hopefully give me the basic tools and confidence I need to eventually understand, and start to communicate in Portuguese.
MIDNIGHT & LILY
As always, to my delight, both cats love to follow me around and hang out in the areas I’m working, when outside.
Lily, after I wasn’t particularly pleased with her for bringing a live mouse into the house, started bringing me bits of cork oak bark. Little ‘vegetarian mice’ so to speak. Gifts I appreciate and praise her for, while Midnight gave me a sleepless night and a whole day of fretting, when she disappeared. When she answered my calls the next morning when I went looking for her, I discovered that she was trapped in the neighbour’s barn. A place where she had to wait for another couple of hours until he came out to open up for her, and I could coax her out.
PORTUGUESE WORDS
Grappling with the grammar is perhaps one of the biggest challenges for me in learning Portuguese. Without going into too much detail, I want to just point out an oddity that suits today’s post. The verb to be (is/am/are) has two forms in Portuguese. Ser to indicate permanent characteristics, and estar to indicate temporary characteristics. So to say ‘the man is dead’, which is a permanent state, one would expect to say ‘o homem é morto’, but the correct way is actually using the verb indicating a temporary state: O homem está morto.
“We are, all of us, wandering about in a state of oblivion, borrowing our time, seizing our days, escaping our fates, slipping through loopholes, unaware of when the axe may fall.”
– Maggie O’Farrell
TO READ:
* Wintering: The power of rest and retreat in difficult times by Katherine May
* I Am, I Am, I Am: Seventeen Brushes with Death – Maggie O’Farrell
TO LISTEN TO:
* On Being podcast
Written by: Jolandi
If you haven’t yet bought my e-book, please consider doing so either for yourself or as a gift. It is an interactive 14-day journey that will introduce you to the various landscapes of the UAE most people are not aware of. If you have bought it, and enjoyed it, please be so kind as to recommend it to a friend.
Hi, Jolandi! So good to get your update. I’m glad to hear that this winter has been milder than the last one. Over here they scare us with more winter until Valentine’s. Fruit trees haven’t started to blossom yet, but there are many wildflowers around. I also like how you describe your relationship. And see how cats nap. 🙂 Happy Year of the Tiger! And happy spring. It’s around the corner.
The fruit trees here haven’t started to blossom yet either, although I can’t say that I’ve paid attention last year to when that should happen. 😆 Have you had a colder winter than usual, Manja? I love it when the wildflowers start to dot the landscape, as I always think that warm weather is just around the corner, even though it may take a while longer. Happy Year of the Tiger to you too. May it be a good year for you. – Jolandi
Great to get your update and hear you are doing well. I felt a real sense of peace in your post and hope that is how you are feeling. What works for some doesn’t always work for others, but you and Michael are doing what is necessary to live the life you dreamed and that to me is an inspiration. Stay well and look forward to your next update.
Terri
It is exactly how I feel, Terri, so I’m glad that it reflects in the post. I am a strong believer in the uniqueness of people/dreams/lives/solutions. I grew up with a very black and white idea of the world, but I’ve learned that life really consists of different shades of grey, and the challenge lies in finding the shade that works for you at any given time in your life. I am very grateful that I found Michael as a partner, as life could have been much more challenging without the right person to share it with. Hope you are healthy and well. – Jolandi
This is a beautiful piece of writing. Thank you. Katherine May’s book is on my “to read” list.
Thank you, Elizabeth. I hope you enjoy the book when you get to it. If your list is like mine, it grows quicker than my ability to read them all. 🙈 The concept of wintering is so nourishing. We should all take time out to care for ourselves, especially when life is challenging, no matter the season. – Jolandi
Thank you so much for this wonderful up-date, Jolandi. I am so pleased you are less anxious and feeling more secure this winter. I am sure it must help that most of the building work around the quinta has been completed and you can now begin to ‘live’ in your home and on the land. I wish you well with the Portuguese classes; it will be easier at this time of year to spend so much time on-line during the week but I think it won’t be quite so practical during the spring and early summer when there is so much to do outside but just think how proficient you’ll be in the language in six month’s time!
I hope Midnight has learnt her lesson about investigating interesting barns! At least your neighbour will recognise your cats now and will be able to help if they ever go missing again. Oh, the misery when one’s pets disappear!!
I look forward to hearing how you get on in February.
Best wishes’
Clare <3
You are so right about the Portuguese classes, Clare. That is why I was so excited when they were supposed to originally start at the beginning of November. So the three month delay is going to make the last three or at least two months very challenging. It is much easier to fill the long, dark winter nights with something like this, than the bright sunny and warm summer evenings. *Sigh. Anyway, fingers crossed it will be worth it in the end. Life hardly ever works out exactly the way one wishes or plans for.
I also hope Midnight has learned her lesson. They really are like children to me, so I tend to get very agitated when I don’t know where they are, and as she has never not returned, especially on a cold night, I was filled with fear and dread. They are usually home when it gets dark in winter, when I not only feed them, but also close them inside for the night.
I hope February will be a good month for you. – Jolandi
I love reading about your transformations both physical and mental Jolandi; both are ongoing process for as long as we are alive aren’t they? You seem to be in a different happier space now that the stress of the house building is over and the setting up of the garden is underway – though cutting down brambles is no mean feat! Well done on that one. I wonder if you like rhubarb? We have a ‘crown’ someone gave us and it just keeps on giving all year round. The more we cut it the more it grows back with very little (no) help from us. Be sure to dispose of the leaves in compost as they are poisonous. I love term foraging; I can imagine you will get very good at it once you learn the language; good luck with that! X
They certainly are, Christina, and I often marvel at how life can find an array of different ways to keep challenging us into adapting and changing. I am definitely in a much happier space. Thank you for reminding me of rhubarb. I grew up with it, but has not eaten it since. People in the area are quite creative with what they grow and often sell or give away interesting plants. Will keep an eye out for rhubarb. I love plants that keep giving. Big hug. – Jolandi
A wonderful update Jolandi. I can feel the sense of peace and contentment underpinning your life there, even if from day to day it doesn’t feel like that – especially when Midnight goes off and does her own thing!
You are so right, Gwen. Despite the little bumps of discontent or turmoil, peace and contentment do underpin my life here. Such a blessing! – Jolandi
For some reason, several attempts at commenting have not worked, and now I’ve lost my train of thought! I do know I said that I relate to your belief in the uniqueness of people/dreams/lives/solutions, so I totally get that you and Michael can exist and prosper in different realms for at least the short term. Nice to read your update, and good luck with the language lessons!
Oh, now I remember I also said that I was very amused by the picture of that big white Lily pouf up in the tree!
Oh dear, I’m glad you persisted and managed to comment, Lex. It is always so good to hear from you.
Now you made me laugh in return . . . “that big white Lily pouf in the tree”. She is quite a vicious little fluff ball, who loves trees. I had to quickly stop working and scramble for the phone to take a picture. She often makes these furious dashes at some of the really big cork oaks. Sometimes the momentum carries her up the tall trunk to the first spot where she can pause, while other times she clearly has second thoughts and slam on the breaks. I often wish when I see it that I could film her with my eyes, as by the time I have fiddled with either a camera or a phone the short action sequence is gone. It is too adorable. – Jolandi
It is both inspiring and somewhat reassuring the transition you describe since your days in the UAE to a whole other way of life in central Portugal. There is something so very powerful with putting yourself in a position of struggle and need to adapt. Your quote at the start of this post is perfect: “Plants and animals don’t fight the winter; they don’t pretend it’s not happening and attempt to carry on living the same lives that they lived in the summer. They prepare. They adapt…” This is the philosophy we all need to understand, and to understand it we have to live it ~ put it to use, and never grow tired of having to adapt. This is what I love about this post ~ finding the beauty in all you’ve done and are doing. It is the perfect way to live, to crawl into bed at night and feel you’ve done good 🙂 Cheers to a wonderful 2022 ahead!
You put this so beautifully, Randall. Like you say, to adapt is really a constant in life in general. We all have to do so many times in our lives. So much of life’s blessings come with our willingness to embrace it. I hope 2022 will be a kind and generous one for you. – Jolandi
I’m glad you’re in a better state of mind compared to last year, Jolandi. Every one has their own story, their own struggles, and what works for some won’t necessarily work for the others. I think the most important thing is for us to acknowledge our feelings, at the same time knowing what matters most to us so we can stay on the ‘right’ track, be it smooth or rough, straightforward or convoluted. And I can sense through this post that this is exactly where you’re at. Have fun with the Portuguese lessons! I’ve been watching some videos on YouTube about the language myself, and how the European Portuguese differs greatly from the Brazilian Portuguese. It’s such a fascinating language and I just love the way it is spoken.
Thanks, Bama. Yes, it is definitely a relief to be in a beter state of mind. I like how you word how we all battle with our own challenges. It is beautifully described. Yes, European Portuguese is quite different from the Brazilian version. I would say that the Brazilian version is a bit more musical. I often joke and say that I manage the ‘sh’ sounds much better with a glass of wine in my hand. 😂 So many words can become proper tongue twisters. It is definitely a bonust when one has a sense of humour when attempting to learn a language, I think. – Jolandi
“keeper of memories” I really like that. My head is so a poor keeper, and it’s nice to have a journal and/or blog to hold memories for me, so I can come visit them later. I am pleased to hear you say you have regained confidence in yourself and in life in general. That is an uplifting thing to hear from someone I care about. This whole post felt calm and reassuring, except for the part about Midnight’s disappearance. I can absolutely relate to the dread that comes when a cat goes missing, and I’m sorry you had to worry for so long till he was found. I am beginning my fourth week of Spanish classes. I’ve studied Spanish before, and quickly memorized whatever I had to memorize to get a good grade and move on. Naturally I forgot everything. Now I am learning because I want to be able to speak to my boyfriend Pedro in his first language. Now that it really matters, and it’s so important to me to learn, I realize that learning a new language is HARD. I, too, am trying to figure out when to use “ser” or “estar.” You seem to be able to master everything that you set your mind to, so I am excited to hear about your successes in this course.
Isn’t it interesting how our approach to learning something changes, when we have a different focus, Crystal? It is admirable that you want to speak to Pedro in his mother tongue. And yes, learning a new language is hard. Even before one gets to confusing grammar, there are so many new words to memorise just to have some sort of basic understanding. Michael and I were once served in a hardware store by a lovely Portuguese guy, who, when I told him that I find the language so difficult to learn, told me to just learn the verbs and use them in their infinitive form. People will understand what you want to say, he assured me. I think that especially in the beginning of learning a language there are just so many new things that one often feels overwhelmed by it all. The trick is to persevere instead of giving up, I think. Good luck with your language learning. 💙
I’m glad you find yourself in a better spot than a year ago, Jolandi. I think you and Michael have come far. I admire you both greatly for pursuing this dream of yours with such focus and dedication. The changes you have wrought at the Quinta are impressive and beautiful and I hope you will feel increasingly at home there.
All the best,
Tanja
Thank you for your kind words, Tanja. I am often amazed at how much one can achieve over time, if one just keeps plodding along. – Jolandi
Hello my dear friend,
Apologies for being away from your lovely blog, 2022 has been quite a year already – I can’t believe it is already March…
Thank you for sharing some more insight on both of you, how you worked so hard to get to this point in your lives, and how you continue to navigate the situation with such grace and wisdom. My husband and I can relate – while most of our friends were travelling the world (pre-COVID) and seemingly living the life, we both hunkered down and lived a very modest lifestyle, doing our best to save/invest and prepare for our future. There were years when we both felt we could never own our own home – or even a car.
But as you quoted (“Plants and animals don’t fight the winter; they don’t pretend it’s not happening and attempt to carry on living the same lives that they lived in the summer. They prepare. They adapt. They perform extraordinary acts of metamorphosis to get them through…”) while stumbling and falling, we learned to adapt, and like you and Michael, we learned to discover a way that works for us – admittedly this is still a work in progress for me 😉
As you say, what a difference a year can make, although it may not seem so while we are actually going through the process. I do hope you are continuing to take care and enjoying your Portuguese language lessons too. The email alert for your most recent post arrived in my inbox, so I look forward to catching up and reading it soon.
As always, all best from Japan,
Takami
I so love hearing about your life, Takami. There are so many similarities in how we approach life, despite the fact that we inhabit different cultures. I guess we are all constantly learning to adapt, as life has a way of throwing new things (joys and challenges) in our path all the time. I also think that “awareness” is an important life skill, because when we are aware of life with all the various degrees of joys and challenges, we can both appreciate the blessings and tackle the challenges in a way that can facilitate a positive outcome (or at least cope better with it internally). Wishing you and your husband much joy in your own journey of creating a beautiful life and home. – Jolandi