“You don’t get over the shadows inside you simply by walking away from them.” – Pico Iyer
I pried my eyes open and tried to focus on the white doctor’s jacket that swam into my vision.
“You are a tough woman.” He said.
I didn’t feel tough, but I was alive. The pain I experienced before had been replaced by a different one. He kept talking. Explained that he removed 600 ml of puss, and spent an hour just washing my insides out. I remembered that I mumbled “bless your soul”, before I sank back into a black abyss, temporarily free from the pain.
That was eleven days ago. And because my perforated appendix was first misdiagnosed, it made everything just a bit more painful, a bit more messy, a bit more risky.
As I spend my days in a daze of discomfort, pain and exhaustion I wish the doctor was right. Instead of feeling tough, I feel fragile and shocked. Desperately trying to just get through each day, I avoid introspection for fear of allowing my emotions to engulf me. When I have my guard down, they do, and although I know that I have to face the shock of being confronted with my own mortality, I am desperately trying to focus first on regaining my physical strength.
Where I was supposed to be a useful participant in all the tasks we need to take care of on the land during our upcoming visit, Michael now has to plot how he will be able to manage them alone. I am praying that I will have enough strength by then to at least be able to help with the balancing of materials, or fulfilling the basic daily chores, so that our two weeks in June will not feel like wasted time.
As we count the days until the end of the month, make our lists, and start the packing process, I am looking forward to the silence, beauty, and fresh air of our slice of paradise, and so am pinning my hopes of deep healing on the power of the land.
Written by: Jolandi
Oh no! I hope you take the time to rest and heal from this ordeal. I understand what you mean by not giving in to emotions: I know if I did, I’d be crying all the time. Still, it’s a good time to learn to stay still and let body and soul recover. Take care!
Thank you so much, Hangaku. It is definitely a good time to embrace stillness. Not as easy as I thought it would be, but I am learning to give myself time and grace to heal. – Jolandi
I am so sorry! That is very scary and so glad to hear you are on the mend. Give yourself the time to heal, you will be back on your feet soon. I am so glad this didn’t happen to you when you are out on your land. Take care of yourself! Sending healing hugs your way.
Ah, thank you so much for your kind words and the healing hugs, Terri. I am also glad it happened here at home, and not on the land or while I was travelling. There really is always something to be grateful for. I am also very grateful that the surgeon that was on duty, is a meticulous man and didn’t rush through the operation, but made sure he removed every bit of gunk inside me. – Jolandi
Oh my word. What an absolute shock for you both. Take the time to rest and let your body and mind heal properly. You have the strength to come through this, you are one strong lady.
I understand what you are going through. I don’t know if you know that Richard had a heart attack nearly two months ago and is going through a similar process to yourself. Resting, accepting and now starting to build his strength and life again.
Much love to you in your journey, take your time and listen to your body.
Kiersten xxx
Thank you for your beautiful message and words of encouragement, Kiersten. I do know about Richard’s heart attack, but one tends to forget, once that initial shock and crisis is over, how long it actually takes to rebuild one’s strength and life. It must be really challenging for both of you seeing that your whole life and work centers around being active. I am amazed and how quickly I’ve lost all my strength, and know that I need to take the necessary time for my body to properly heal. Sending you a big hug. – Jolandi
How frightening. I know how keen you are to be involved in the work on your land, but let yourself heal.
Yip, definitely one of the most frightening experiences of my life, Peggy. Michael reckons me just being there with him will provide all the moral support he will need for the big jobs that need to get done. 馃檪 – Jolandi
So sorry. I wish you a swift recovery and jump into health. Everything else will wait.
Thank you, Manja. You are right, everything else will wait. It is something I just need to keep reminding myself of. – Jolandi
Oh, dear – that is scary! And unfortunate timing … hope you heal fast and well and that you are able to enjoy your time in Portugal.
Thank you so much, Lex. I am sure that just being on the land will be good for me. – Jolandi
Dear Jolandi ,sending you healing thoughts and love to you ,your place in the beautiful Portuguese countryside will wait for you , enjoy the beauty and peace you find there ,Ray and I wish you a speedy recovery and sincerely hope you feel well soonest xxx
Thank you so much for your kind words and wishes, Deb! I think of everyone I know, I you guys understand best the beauty and peace the countryside has to offer. I am looking forward to our time on the land, even though things are still a bit primitive. Hope you are doing well and enjoying your rural adventures. – Jolandi
My dear friend, I am so sorry to hear this! It must have been excruciating.
Very thankful that you could receive proper medical attention and that there will be a full recovery.
I had to have an emergency appendectomy a few years ago, but it was nothing compared to what you had to endure. As much as I (all too often) gripe about “modern civilisation” I am so thankful to live in this era.
My husband and I send you and Michael are warmest wishes.
Thank you so much for your lovely wishes, dearest Takami. I agree completely with you. No matter how much we yearn for a more simple life, we are also immensely grateful for the technological advances that are helpful and life saving. I guess one of the biggest challenges of life is to find that balance in which we feel we get the best of both worlds. I am so grateful the surgeon still managed to perform the whole procedure by means of a laparoscopy, despite the fact that he thinks my appendix perforated three days before I was wheeled into the theater. We even have a video of the whole procedure, which Michael watched, while I was still in hospital, but I am way too squeamish to. I am just grateful that it all worked out well for us. – Jolandi
Jolandi as you mentioned, life sends curve balls and sometimes its usually when one is least expecting it. Shows one the fragility of the human body and also shows the strength and fortitude of the human spirit, so am sending you wishes for a soothing recovery. Thank goodness for medical care and expertise at this vulnerable time. Your Portugal journey is part of this process now that you have embarked and embraced the adventure. You are In my thoughts and am sure the wise woman that you are, will follow the day to day time to heal x
Thank you for your wise and caring words, Nanette. I overdid things slightly a couple of days ago, and realized that I should listen to my body, instead of imposing on it what I think is best. It still feels bruised and battered, and definitely needs time to heal. – Jolandi
Oh, Jolandi! How frightening for you! I am so pleased you have got through this and, I hope, are recovering well. I also hope you will be well enough to travel to Portugal and help a little but of course, your health and well-being must come first. I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best.
Clare xx
Thank you so very much for your kind wishes, Clare. I guess one always lives in the hope that these things will pass one by. Trying my best to take everything in my stride, and allowing my body the time to heal. – Jolandi
Oh my goodness. Now is the time to relax, rejuvenate and recover. Michael will manage in the short-term. Do what you can but don鈥檛 push yourself too hard. You’ll be back to your old self in no time.
Indeed, Lisa. I am trying my best to do just that, and can definitely feel it on those occasions when I push too hard. The body definitely isn’t interested in being rushed. 馃槈 I’ve been spending a huge bulk of my static time listening to some wonderful podcasts (https://onbeing.org/), which is exactly what my spirit needs. – Jolandi
I hadn’t seen this post until now. Although I could tell from references in later ones that your health had taken a nosedive, I never imagined it would have been perforated appendix! I still remember the agony I suffered – nearly fifty years ago. In fact, my legs were paralysed for some hours. And mine only perforated during the operation, not three days before. You must have suffered excruciating pain.
You are always so fit and active that must have come completely out of the blue. It is such a major event, I imagine you must be still regaining your former strength. My thoughts are with you.
Thanks, Gwen. I’ve always thought that my pain threshold isn’t very high, but it proved otherwise during this incident. It was a difficult time for me (not just physically), and it took a good 2 1/2 months before I felt like my old self again. It also made our June visit to the land rather challenging. BUT I’m as good as new again, so am ready to be a stronger, more agile sidekick for Michael, as he will definitely need two extra hands this time around. – Jolandi